Turning on yourself

It's funny what people tell you when your older about how you were as a little kid. For me, I was a clinger. A crier when I had to leave someone. Sensitive. But above all, a lover. Heavy hugs. Lots of kisses. If I went to bed without a kiss I couldn't sleep. Nightmares. Alone. It was instinctive. My soul. The way that I am. And partly nurtured by my environment. It was me. 

I remember being embarrassed. Of my sensitivities. My tears of joy and sadness. My extreme understandings of people. And love. My love.

I started to watch other people and notice that I was different. No one cried like me. No one was as sad as I was to see someone go. No one wanted a hug or touch as much as I did. I was different and I couldn't understand. So I decided to try to turn it off. My feelings. Because I thought it was wrong. 

Turning off who you instinctively are is like telling an animal not to be an animal. A fish not to swim. A cow not to produce milk. When you turn off that truth, you're slowly dulling the fire that ignites you and what makes you you. 

Learning how to embrace an innate trait that has been silenced over time is difficult. And I can say that from experience. When we are taught that crying is a sign of weakness, we don't want to cry anymore and stuff it down when we get the urge. When we're taught that showing your love too prematurely causes us to get hurt, we will shut that off and be afraid to show it again. When you don't acknowledge your true inner feelings, whatever they may be, you won't be happy. And people won't really know you. More importantly, you won't know yourself.  Your identity will be lost. 

I love. And I love deep. I always have and I always will. I cry. And it's not because I'm a pussy. It's because I deeply give a shit about a lot of things. I feel better after I am touched and given affection. Embrace that. Live it. Love it. The rest will follow.

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia