When will you ever be worthy? Worthy to be happy. Worthy to enjoy. Worthy to be loved. Worthy to not have to sacrifice. Worthy to be yourself without hiding your insecurities. Worthy to be vulnerable.
It has come to my attention that we are in a constant state of striving and reaching for goals. Trying to get a certain place. Aiming for a higher promotion. Looking to shed fat. Basically, trying to be better than you are right now. I know that I have been this way. For a very long time. Losing body fat. That was my thing. Flatter belly. Thinner thighs. Skinnier waist. And when I got there, it wasn't anything that I wanted it to be.
The question that comes to mind as I reflect on these desires is When will it ever be enough?
When I finally whittled down my weight to that which fit my "mold" of sexiness, I still wasn't happy. Nothing changed. Well actually, I wasn't allowed to donate blood for my ex boyfriend's grandma at the hospital because I was too thin.
I wanted to be a certain way because I thought that it would lead to my happiness. I wanted to be thinner because I thought that someone would love me more. And make me feel good enough.
This all draws into my life right now where I am on an ever growing journey to feel comfortable in my own skin. Where little by little, I am allowing myself to reflect on my past thoughts of guilt, unworthiness, abuse and weakness and understand the patterns that I can try to break free from.
Here's a quick story that happened this past weekend.
I ordered a breakfast sandwich. With no modifications. Cheese. Bacon. Bread. Mayo.
I haven't ordered a sandwich, of any kind, in 5 years because it was "off limits". I equated it to losing control. If it touched my lips, it would go straight to my belly and make me fat. And unfortunately, that mindset ruined a beautiful piece of my mornings and enjoyment of a simple culinary masterpiece. I had been missing out on it.
I ate it. And it was delicious. But as I stepped out the door of the shop, tears started to form. I couldn't really talk about it. I just needed to experience my feelings. I felt the guilt. What did you do? Your whole day. You ruined it. So I really started to cry. And I felt so heavy.
It took me a little while to let myself feel. It was hard. But really, a monumental experience.
I realized that I was in control. I am no longer that person I was 5 years ago. That was suffering from insecurities. I am stronger now. I have overcome so much. I have the option to loosen the reigns a bit because I have been able to fight something that once ruled my life.
That morning was a good reminder of something. I am not my past. And neither are you. You are whoever you want to be. You are not that person who you once thought was weak. You are strong. You are not a number on the scale. Or a count of calories. Or a grasp of fat on your midsection.
When you think of trying to reach a certain place, it may be healthy to take a step back and think about why you are doing it. And when it will ever be enough.
You are you. And you are beautiful. And perfect. Right now. Just a reminder :)
Pura Vida | living the pure life
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#sleepselfie - because my favorite part of the day is waking up -
"It's like, it's like your rib cage is a jail cell, holding all that love in. So, I want you to take your fist, take your fist, and grab your heart and hold it in the air, hold that love in the air and open your fingers, one at a time if you need to, and let that love out. " #loveart
fresh to 💀 #feelingfreshasfuck #greens
If I am thankful (and slightly embarrassed as a kid) for one thing, it's for your love and influence of music- in my heart and soul fo sho. Cheers dad 🍻 ⚡️🌹#beatles #tubaman #grateful #mydadisabadassmusician
Hugs not drugs #sisters👭
I don't think I have ever felt as at home as as I do here. I think back on all of the cities, the apartments and places I have lived. I used come back from California wishing that I lived there. This time I came back craving these mountains and this awesome,alive community. Home is where your heart is. Mine really is here. #colorado #grassaintgreener #wineaintsweeter #welcomehomehunny
Life, out of the depths, will clarify things for you only if you wish to see your challenges as an opportunity of growth. Sometimes we need rain. #itstimetogrowtoday
If you know me.... #steinerohhowlovely #mirandahillardplease
The Hollywood shows were amazing. Unfortunately there was a threat in the middle of the first show that had my heart in my throat. The interesting thing as I reflect was that my fear was actually for @bobweir And @deadandcompany . And my fellow neighbors. I truly felt it for my life last. These lessons are learned through the message of this music. Despite it all, the energy from this crowd was peaceful and alive. I am so thankful for finding this music and for my two friends who helped me get there. #pleasespreadpeace #wavethatflagwaveitwideandhigh #grateful ✌️
I finally made it home #homeiswherethedeadis #grateful