You are not a number

When will you ever be worthy? Worthy to be happy. Worthy to enjoy. Worthy to be loved. Worthy to not have to sacrifice. Worthy to be yourself without hiding your insecurities. Worthy to be vulnerable.

It has come to my attention that we are in a constant state of striving and reaching for goals. Trying to get a certain place. Aiming for a higher promotion. Looking to shed fat. Basically, trying to be better than you are right now. I know that I have been this way. For a very long time. Losing  body fat. That was my thing. Flatter belly. Thinner thighs. Skinnier waist. And when I got there, it wasn't anything that I wanted it to be.

The question that comes to mind as I reflect on these desires is When will it ever be enough?

When I finally whittled down my weight to that which fit my "mold" of sexiness, I still wasn't happy. Nothing changed. Well actually, I wasn't allowed to donate blood for my ex boyfriend's grandma at the hospital because I was too thin. 

I wanted to be a certain way because I thought that it would lead to my happiness. I wanted to be  thinner because I thought that someone would love me more. And make me feel good enough. 

This all draws into my life right now where I am on an ever growing journey to feel comfortable in my own skin. Where little by little, I am allowing myself to reflect on my past thoughts of guilt, unworthiness, abuse and weakness and understand the patterns that I can try to break free from. 

Here's a quick story that happened this past weekend.

I ordered a breakfast sandwich. With no modifications. Cheese. Bacon. Bread. Mayo. 

I haven't ordered a sandwich, of any kind, in 5 years because it was "off limits". I equated it to losing control. If it touched my lips, it would go straight to my belly and make me fat. And unfortunately, that mindset ruined a beautiful piece of my mornings and enjoyment of a simple culinary masterpiece. I had been missing out on it. 

I ate it. And it was delicious. But as I stepped out the door of the shop, tears started to form. I couldn't really talk about it. I just needed to experience my feelings. I felt the guilt. What did you do? Your whole day. You ruined it. So I really started to cry. And I felt so heavy.

It took me a little while to let myself feel. It was hard. But really, a monumental experience.

I realized that I was in control. I am no longer that person I was 5 years ago. That was suffering from insecurities. I am stronger now. I have overcome so much. I have the option to loosen the reigns a bit because I have been able to fight something that once ruled my life.  

That morning was a good reminder of something. I am not my past. And neither are you. You are whoever you want to be. You are not that person who you once thought was weak. You are strong. You are not a number on the scale. Or a count of calories. Or a grasp of fat on your midsection.

When you think of trying to reach a certain place, it may be healthy to take a step back and think about why you are doing it. And when it will ever be enough.

You are you. And you are beautiful. And perfect. Right now. Just a reminder :)