A Wild Woman

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I was a stubborn, curly haired, blonde child. When I had a thought in my head, I would run with it and if someone tried to tell me otherwise, I would rebelle. Not always because I really wanted this specific thing but because I wanted to prove my point. I can remember being put in the Fairfield County String Orchestra when I was 14. I was sitting in the parking lot with my mom before rehearsal and refusing to go in because I had it in my head that I was not going to go (just because). And although I was a talented violinist and had this amazing opportunity in front of me, I put up a fight like no other. After I went in and played in the big auditorium, I felt this rush come over me of how beautiful this experience could be. But for some reason, I allowed my inner stubbornness to stop me. I never told my mom about this inner peace and beauty that I received from it because I was too proud. And I had it in my head that I wouldn't enjoy it.

Sometimes I get afraid. I get afraid because every bit of me is unconventional. And somewhat stubborn. I have expectations and standards that I hold myself to and I will take nothing less than that as a result. These traits can be very rewarding. But also debilitating when things just don't go as planned. 

I value my alone time and independence. I want to be at a certain place in life. I want to have a certain person with me. And I have an outward view of this life that I want. Then sometimes, the little, curly haired me speaks up again. And I feel wild. And want to forget it all. 

Balance. Finding it, at times, feels nearly impossible. But as I continue to work on it, all of the steps that I have gone through start to make sense. And the collage of different chapters start to come together. 

I read this article below and it reminded me of the balance that I crave between the stubbornness and standards and ability to let go and allow the wildness inside show. Do not lose sight of the child inside of you. That curly, haired blonde that wouldn't take no for an answer (now a little more mature, I hope ;) ).

Be true to who you are. Do not be afraid of it. Navigate the concrete jungle as needed but don't blow out that inner fire. Be true to it. Eventually, someone out there will see it and want to share it with you. They will find it to be the most beautiful, sexiest thing in the entire world. And they will not be threatened by it. Because it's real and authentic. 

http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/12/14/a-wild-woman-is-not-a-girlfriend-she-is-a-relationship-with-nature/