There were elephants in the room that no one would ride. There was an obvious imbalance that was not addressed. I am almost thankful for it because it has taught me some valuable lessons. But they took me 10 years to figure out.
This is by no means a sob story about me. We all go through things in our lives that are tough. But being able to share my story is what I do. And the connection we make with others is what causes the ripple effect of healing. Raw and real.
13 years ago my family had gone through 2 very traumatic deaths which left us devastated and somewhat broken. As an 11 year old, I obviously had no idea how to deal with this and neither did my family. It was "swept under the rug" you can say and we moved on as quickly as possible. Just like my great grandmother did when she was left in Russia by herself during the Russian Revolution as the rest of the family was sent to the United States. Wakes, funerals, emptying homes, closing bank accounts and tying up loose ends. There were no tears. No deep hugs. And definitely no vulnerability.
My two female role models were strong (at least their tear ducts were). The emotions never showed and the sadness was never spoken about. So we all moved on. But never actually did.
These learned behaviors create who we are as people and how we develop as adults. For me, the lack of communication and the elephant in the room has been an on going theme that I can now recognize in many places in my past and present. I wasn't taught to talk about my feelings so I would stuff them down. They were masked with medication, therapy and my control of food.
Now I get it. I see where everything makes sense.
Chapter 1: Healing.
When you are looking to change your life, change your health, find peace and happiness, you have to start with healing. It's not drinking 8oz of water upon waking. It's not getting to the gym 3x a week. It's not eating greens with every meal, although these things are important. It's about your heart. That is chapter 1. The foundation.
In order to get to your next step, you have to heal the wounds. Open them up a little, though it may be painful at first. But when you do, they will heal stronger. And the unhealthy behaviors that you are trying to change will make more sense. You will understand why they are there in the first place. And you will no longer have to cover them up.
Heal. Love. Write them down. Be vulnerable. Then we can step into the gym and kick some ass :)